Ancient Tome of Dungeon Keeper Humor
Guaranteed to make even the most angry Horned Reaper convulse with giggling!
1. Sixty Six Ways to Tell that You are Addicted to Dungeon Keeper
2. The many jobs for a horned reaper in real life...
3. Why Dark Mistresses never get married...
4. 20 Reasons Imps are better than women
5. 10 Reasons Imps would be useful in Everyday life
6. Top Ten Defunct Insults to Other Keepers
7. Really pathetic in Dungeon Keeper is...
8. Sneak Preview at Dungeon Keeper 2
9. Ideas for Dungeon Keeper sequels!
10. Questions and answers
11. Guidelines for Evil Overlords
12. Special Thanks
- Your pet gets its own chicken, house, and altar.
- When someone ignores you, you reach out and slap them.
- You lock your little brother in the same room as your ex until he converts.
- To make your girlfriend happy, you slap her a few times, and then tell her
to go to your personal torture chamber.
- You surround yourself with 5 year olds totally subservient to your will.
- When you find a beetle, you immediately pick it up and drop it in the closest hole.
- You hang around funerals, waiting for a vampire to rise.
- You are certain that there is an invisible warlock following you.
- To get into your room, you must dodge all sorts of traps and deadfalls that you set yourself.
- You declare "The people in the next apartment must be destroyed
and their rooms assimilated into mine!"
- You find yourself fortifying your boss' office.
- You suffer heartburn and scream "The Dungeon Heart is Being Attacked!"
- You have temples installed in each of your employees cubicles to boost morale.
- When anyone passes gas, you run off before the poison can reach you.
- You ask obese people if they prefer making doors or traps.
- Your most effective pick up line is "Your entrails would look great in the corner of my room."
- You are given the "customer of the year" award by KFC.
- You sit in a large chair all day and attack anyone who comes close.
- Your iguana burns to death because you thought that having his cage in the oven would increase his experience.
- You hang miniature morning stars from your ears.
- You spend hours just sitting still, and then claim that your spirit was in the body of a fly.
- You try to sacrifice your ex-wife, uncle, and little brother in hopes of getting a horned reaper.
- You automatically assume that the bigger someone is, the more powerful they are.
- After trying for hours to teleport home, you finally have your secretary dig a tunnel to your house.
- During an earthquake, you run away in hopes of getting out of the range of effect.
- You are surprised when the rock with gems imbedded in it is only worth a set amount.
- You set up a banner to try and attract other people to talk to.
- You begin to like the smell of decaying flesh.
- 12 people have vanished in your basement.
- You forget it's Halloween, and all sorts of people comment on the scary wizard costume you have on.
- Your experiments with raising ghosts by torturing flies fail horribly.
- You ask the librarians if they have the book on 'lightning bolt'.
- You send your dog to a personal trainer, hoping it will come back as a timber wolf.
- You tend to tile every square of your property with your favorite color.
- You finally discover that the flashing signs aren't supposed to be mined away.
- You are shocked to realize that people aren't just created for the right amount of money.
- The neighborhood children call your house "DeathTrap".
- You wonder what's wrong with your dog when it doesn't have three heads.
- You send your ex-girlfriend to Japan hoping that the samurais will finish her off.
- No matter how much experience you get stealing things, you just cant become a knight.
- You take over Stonehenge and wait for creatures to begin pouring out of it.
- The Grim Reaper informs you that he is going on strike unless you stop your dungeon expansion.
- You almost die trying to run across four feet of lava.
- You try to find your way through a dark room by holding your hand in front of you and waiting for it to glow slightly.
- Your backyard is a graveyard for those who have crossed you.
- When you have people over, you need to give detailed instructions on how to dodge all the traps that you have laid.
- You torture one employee to make the others work faster.
- You find yourself chanting "Come with us, be with us, we will teach you".
- You aren't worried about Armageddon because your minions are the strongest.
- You don't use a wallet anymore, you have a room totally devoted to cash, precious stones, stock certificates...
- Your first thought as you pick up your check, is "Now I can create more imps!"
- You've been running into a lot of doors, expecting them to open on their own.
- There isn't anymore plant life within 100 meters of your house, because of your mining expeditions.
- You begin to not be able to tell the difference between a flushing toilet and your temple.
- As you sit in your car, waiting for the light to change, the ground
ahead of you begins to glow and you sit back and wait for your imps.
- You finally found out why your girl/boy friends keep leaving you, because they are being scavenged by an enemy.
- You tell people "The only thing between me and world domination, is a fortified wall."
- You tell your son, "Knock the bully unconscious, then bring him back so we can convert him."
- You realize that all you have been eating for the past month is chicken.
- You now carry a scythe with you everywhere.
- Whenever you visit a place for the first time, you immediatly begin the "imp dance".
- Your favorite hobbies include raising chickens, designing death traps,
day care (good experience with hornies), spelunking and twisting
the souls of all that enter your house to become subservient slaves.
- You've been sued 5 times for slapping small children that refused to work fast.
- Not many visitors make it to you living room alive!
- The neighborhood kids throw rocks at your house until it suddenly disappeared.
- Your wife left you because you insisted she wear the skin tight black leather costume you got her.
- Hired berserker
- Disgruntled Postman
- One-Man Army for a small nation
- Deity for a Third World country
- Football or Rugby Superstar
- First Psycho in Space
- Polish Mine Detector
- One side of World War III
- Handles Complaints at a store (Complain THIS!)
- Ballistic Weapon
- Bulk Paper Shredder
- Hair Stylist (only does flat-tops)
- They wear so much leather, men mistake them for cows
- Most rapists, murderers and thugs are in jail
- Their favorite pick-up line is "First you beat me up, and then I'll do the same to you"
- They have the tendency of frying anyone who rejects them even once
- They have the annoying habit of teleporting home before the date is over
- Most men can't beat up a mistress for more than an hour
- After the groom sticks the cake in her face, she tears his throat out
- Too many men can't cope with the stress of seeing her continually throw herself in front of cars
- After some time, the novelty of using a cattle prod wears off
- Most men aren't skilled enough to use whips
- Its only fun for her if she gets to slap him back
- A mistress' kiss involves biting off the man's tongue
- A lot of men think the claws she wears are tacky
- The names 'Ouch', 'Whack', and 'Aieeee!' usually tend to turn men off
- You can slap imps around all you want and they will never leave you
- Its never 'that time of the month' for imps
- You can have as many imps as you want and they won't be jealous
- Imps never think that they are equal to you
- If you want a better imp, you can train it
- If an imp has a headache, you can use a different one
- Imps never think that they are too fat
- You can torture and convert imps that fought you before
- Imps never have independent thoughts of their own
- Imps don't gossip
- Imps like carrying dead things to graveyards
- Imps know that they look ridiculous with or without makeup
- Imps don't need commitment
- Women age, but imps are eternal
- Imps never see other keepers
- Imps enjoy cleaning up the messes you made
- Imps like being told what to do
- Imps could care less whether or not you love them
- Imps don't spend hours each morning putting on makeup
- Imps are available at any time, not just when they feel like it
- No more touching disgusting dead things
- Why work? They live for it!
- Normal people don't go out of their way to help decorate your house.
- Imps are made to be beaten, whipped, slapped, and pushed around.
- They would replace spam as the funniest looking thing on earth.
- Sanitation engineers that work for free.
- Imps would never even think about going on strike.
- No matter how strong the imp is, it always backs down to a slap in the face.
- They don't expect pay or compensation of any type for any job.
- Two words: subserviant minions.
- Dragon Schmagon, I've got tons of spiders
- Just wait till my beetles become level 5...
- Now that I have a vampire, your reaper doesn't stand a chance
- The next room I'm going build is a barracks, so watch out!
- You're level 4 dragon doesn't stand a chance against my level 7 fly
- Don't mess with me, I've got a skeleton and two level 5 imps
- It isn't the size of your creatures that counts, its their spirit
- I dare you to cast disease on me!
- To show how confidant I am, I'll bash my dungeon heart in with a level ten reaper
- The only place that reaper is going, is to my graveyard
- When two imps fight over carrying off a dead body
- Being unable to make a dark mistress happy
- Someone who can't figure out how to get the gold to his treasure room
- After possessing a creature, you find a dungeon heart and beat up on it
for awhile, until you realize that it was your dungeon heart
- Putting your dragons and mistresses back in the portal in hopes of getting
beetles and flies
- Wondering why you get a new dungeon each time you cancel your possession spell
- Losing your entire army to an enemy keeper with one fly
- Playing tag with a horned reaper
- Adding a temple in the middle of your hatchery so that your chickens are happier and produce more
- Spending time reading stupid DK jokes when you could be playing the game
In Dungeon Keeper 2, there will be all sorts of new and improved monsters
that will thrill and amaze you!
These small fluffy bunnies are anything but cute and cuddly. They are
right up there with horned reapers in sheer attacking power, and equal
to the dark mistresses in speed. You might want to make their lairs
huge though, they are the only creature that reproduces every payday.
You should also keep them away from hatcheries, as that hungry
creatures tend to grab anything that is smaller than them to eat.
This mechanical nightmare barrels through
everything in its path, crushing even the hardiest of heroes.
Unfortunately, it has a bit of difficulty navigating and tends to make
large holes and new passages in your dungeon due to its lack of brakes.
Wonder Imps are quite possible the worlds most
perfect imp. Using a new device that comes with DK2, they
telepathically read your thoughts and go to do whatever job you want
them to do. They replace the old imps who used to just come and go as
they pleased and seem to be unable to grasp any intelligent thought. Of
course, W*imps are only as smart as the user...
Bob wasn't supposed to be in this game, he wandered
in here by mistake. He does possess all programmers ability to put
others to sleep by reciting his extensive knowledge of coding though.
Despite being relatively useless, when trained to level 10, Bob become
CEO of your dungeon and begins giving instructions of his own to the
creatures in your dungeon. You may need to slap him a few times to keep
him in line.
Yup, the purple menace has returned to terrorize
your dungeon. He is a hated enemy of every creature, so he needs a lair
and hatchery FAR away from everyone else. However, few enemies can
stand his annoying songs and dances, so they will rapidly fall before
your forces. In addition, Barney is the only creature that might be
able to defeat a horned reaper in a one-on-one fight, thanks to his
sickening songs and inability to grasp the big picture.
With the building of this room, your imps become
happier and more productive. Every now and then, an imp will get tired
of his duties and go off to have a smoke and trade stories of what he's
done. This room also has the added benefit of mildly poisoning any
enemy creature who enters it.
Old Monsters Home:
This is where all your level 10 creatures that have nothing left to do
go to. They sit in the chairs and reminisce about the old times, when a
demon spawn stayed a demon spawn at level 10. This room attracts a new
type of monster called the Fogey, and also increases the effectiveness
of your torture chamber. Reason being because the old ones go and give
speeches about the good old days to the torture victims.
Ever wonder what most normal monsters do with
their spare time? And why do they always end up holding no money right
after payday? The answer is simple, they go to a casino. With a casino
in your dungeon, you get back a large amount of the money you pay out
to your creatures as they gamble it away. Be careful though, an
especially unlucky pull of the slots fries the poor fool, while a
jackpot drains away your cash. Sometimes, after hitting a jackpot, the
creature may be so happy, that it retires from the dangerous career of
killing heroes and goes back home.
Your librarians have toiled away to create a better version of your
possess spell for you. Now, you can also possess inanimate objects,
such as traps doors, and even money.
If you want, you can see just how far a gold piece goes after it gets
mined, put in the treasure room, and then collected by a creature.
The new uses for this spell are staggering!
Great for bringing back your favorite chickens which accidently
became dinner for a wayward bile demon.
Ever had a problem feeding hordes of bile demons
that just seem to stupid to go to the hatchery? This spell solves that
problem completely! Merely cast it on a creature, and it becomes a
hamburger. The higher level creatures produce more hamburgers than the
smaller ones though. This spell may also be cast on creatures in your
graveyard for free, though you may have to force feed your creatures
these hamburgers. Mmmm, Leg o' Mistress for anyone?
For all of you who had problems keeping your reapers and vampyres happy,
there is now an easy cure! By casting this spell, you can make
any creature positively giddy with delight. They will skip around
and dance with joy. You haven't seen weird until you see a horned reaper
dance around your dungeon. It also confuses the heck out of any heroes
that may be invading, giving you a momentary advantage.
Keep your minions fed on the near limitless supply of tribbles while attempting to create the ultimate army of trekkie fanatics!
Spock = Warlock
Scotty = Bile Demon
Wes Crusher = Imp
Dr. Bev Crusher = Dark Mistress (Oh, Picard!)
Quick, randomly create your dungeon by
rolling your 7d63's and spawns off 3 4d9 creatures of 2 1d8 types,
before the opposing keepers manage to pull out 5d9 heroes and unleash
them upon you.
Aiee! Dungeon keeper invades the real world, do what you can to survive
the modern world of corporations and general disasters, or just send a
crack team of lawyers out to destroy your opponants.
Hornies = OJ Simpsons
Chickens = Spam
Imps = Yes-men
Q: What do you get when you cross an imp and a horned reaper?
A: Either the most dangerous imp that ever existed, or a horned repear
that ends up digging through any wall he finds (twice as fast also)!
Imp: The HAND told him to!
Beatle: To escape certain death at the hands of an orc
Fly: Why not?
Demon Spawn: In a vain attempt to become a basilisk
Judging by the metaphysiology of both the chicken and the road, it
seems to me that to hypothesize why is not the question, but how, in
which case he was propelled by a gale of the utmost fury because
speciman 1 (the chicken) entered an area of research.
Bile Demon: *Urp* what chicken?
Troll: To recalibrate the anti-defuser on the blueprints of the alarm trap
Orc: To guard from hostile takeovers!
Dark Mistress: Oooo... I don't know about chickenskin, lets talk leather...
Skeleton: To escape the opression of the task master bile demons
Ghost: To howl at the church next door
Tenticle: To resubmerge
Horny: **No answer, blood splattered on paper here**
Tired of getting caught in the clich� role as an evil-doer? And to
make matters worse, you always make predictable mistakes that lead to
your downfall... Maybe you should read and follow some of these
guidelines for Evil Overlords... This list is courtesy of Peter
Anspach, and his copyright is at the bottom of the list...
The original Peters' page
may contain updated version of this list.
My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing
My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously
imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair
beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit
box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at
least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought
I'll shoot him then say "No."
After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil
ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my
plan will be carried out.
I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it
will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked
"Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard
it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.
I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my
borders will work just as well.
I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues
in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is
able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied
into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as
well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned
The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is
absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero
is just putting his plan into operation.
I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to
When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would
easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the
hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so
occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual
could adjust to accordingly.
I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror,
as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers,
Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want
my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any
energy field bigger than my head.
I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way
-- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the
standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of
savages armed with spears and rocks.
I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this
takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be!
I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is
completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone
just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before
ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have reduntant
control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two
fully loaded weapons at all times.
My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I
could not accidentally stumble.
I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land
will be pre-emptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if
they have no source of comic relief.
All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary
waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the
hero or his sidekick.
I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how
evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel
bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely
from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make
you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same
cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person
instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him.
After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them
and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings
of vengeance towards me in my old age.
If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of
Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it
as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever
sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow
I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she
claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions
if I just let her in on my plans.
I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure
of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting
I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my
organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at
him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random
If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I
will reply "This." and kill the advisor.
If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still
a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and
kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for
If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my
troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a
Want-Ad in the local paper.
My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely
incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.
If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful
princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and
inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me,
NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.
I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply
because I feel like being contrary.
The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of
Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and
subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less
My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a
man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's
If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a
I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of
using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies
If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not
proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which
intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot,
with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable
I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and
bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.
If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display
of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room
will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage
My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone
press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to
enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat
every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it
encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to
spare them again, they'd better save my life again.
All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved
hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be
raised by creatures of the wild.
When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at
least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on
patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically
peering around a corner.
If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted
lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will
pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.
I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my
advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old
advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and
leave it lying on top of my desk.
I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around
waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an
attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the
middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job
as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted
lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be
"And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."
If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been
employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.
If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of
wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to
finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of
quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support
beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for
any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or
not to switch with him.
I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12
Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total
eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."
I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct
walkways above them.
If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence
then send the same group out to try the task again.
After I capture the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and
relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the
hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the
I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my
personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his
dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he
leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of
righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed
me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.
When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket
of purely sentimental value.
My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way
if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will
fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside
seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or
anything that can be unravelled.
If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I
find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have
forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing
each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives
at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.
To keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each
of them with free unlimited Internet access.
I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me --
I'll do it myself.
I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident -- I'm not accountable
to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.
I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not
show them any.
My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my
organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress
I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will
make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the
damage he's caused.
If my supreme command center comes under attack, I will immediately flee to safety in my
prepared escape pod and direct the defenses from there. I will not wait until the troops
break into my inner sanctum to attempt this.
Even though I don't really care because I plan on living forever, I will hire engineers who
are able to build me a fortress sturdy enough that, if I am slain, it won't tumble to the
ground for no good structural reason.
Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously resurrect a secondary character
who has given up his/her life through self sacrifice will be outlawed and destroyed.
I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes and with the accent of an
outlander shall REGULARLY climb some monument in the main square of my capital and
denounce me, claim to know the secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc.
That way, the citizens will be jaded in case the real thing ever comes along.
I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party getting into my inner
sanctum before the trap is sprung.
I will offer oracles the choice of working exclusively for me or being executed.
I will not rely entirely upon "totally reliable" spells that can be neutralized by relatively
I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard-sized. While elaborate 60-foot high
double-doors definitely impress the masses, they are hard to close quickly in an
I will never accept a challenge from the hero.
I will not engage an enemy single-handedly until all my soldiers are dead.
If I capture the hero's starship, I will keep it in the landing bay with the ramp down, only a
few token guards on duty and a ton of explosives set to go off as soon as it clears the
No matter how much I want revenge, I will never order an underling "Leave him. He's
If I have equipment which performs an important function, it will not be activated by a
lever that someone could trigger by accidentally falling on when fatally wounded.
I will not attempt to kill the hero by placing a venomous creature in his room. It will just
wind up accidentally killing one of my clumsy hencemen instead.
Since nothing is more irritating than a hero defeating you with basic math skills, all of my
personal weapons will be modified to fire one more shot than the standard issue.
If I decide to hold a contest of skill open to the general public, contestants will be required
to remove their hooded cloaks and shave their beards before entering.
Prior to kidnapping an older male scientist and forcing him to work for me, I will
investigate his offspring and make sure that he has neither a beautiful but naive daughter
who is willing to risk anything to get him back, nor an estranged son who works in the
same field but had a falling-out with his father many years ago.
Should I actually decide to kill the hero in an elaborate escape-proof deathtrap room
(water filling up, sand pouring down, walls converging, etc.) I will not leave him alone
five-to-ten minutes prior to "imminent" death, but will instead (finding a vantage point or
monitoring camera) stick around and enjoy watching my adversary's demise.
Rather than having only one secret escape pod, which the hero can easily spot and follow,
I'll simultaneously launch a few dozen decoys to throw him off track.
Prison guards will have their own cantina featuring a wide variety of tasty treats that will
deliver snacks to the guards while on duty. The guards will also be informed that accepting
food or drink from any other source will result in execution.
I will not employ robots as agents of destruction if there is any possible way that they can
be re-programmed or if their battery packs are externally mounted and easily removable.
Despite the delicious irony, I will not force two heroes to fight each other in the arena.
All members of my Legions of Terror will have professionally tailored uniforms. If the hero
knocks a soldier unconscious and steals the uniform, the poor fit will give him away.
I will never place the key to a cell just out of a prisoner's reach.
Before appointing someone as my trusted lieutenant, I will conduct a thorough background
investigation and security clearance.
If I find my beautiful consort with access to my fortress has been associating with the hero,
I'll have her executed. It's regrettable, but new consorts are easier to get than new
fortresses and maybe the next one will pay attention at the orientation meeting.
If I am escaping in a large truck and the hero is pursuing me in a small Italian sports car, I
will not wait for the hero to pull up along side of me and try to force him off the road as he
attempts to climb aboard. Instead I will slam on the brakes when he's directly behind me.
(A rudimentary knowledge of physics can prove quite useful.)
My doomsday machine will have a highly-advanced technological device called a
capacitor in case someone inconveniently pulls the plug at the last second. (If I have access
to REALLY advanced technology, I will include a back-up device known as a battery.)
If I build a bomb, I will simply remember which wire to cut if it has to be deactivated and
make every wire red.
Before spending available funds on giant gargoyles, gothic arches, or other cosmetically
intimidating pieces of architecture, I will see if there are any valid military expenditures that
could use the extra budget.
The passageways to and within my domain will be well-lit with fluorescent lighting.
Regrettably, the spooky atmosphere will be lost, but my security patrols will be more
If I'm sitting in my camp, hear a twig snap, start to investigate, then encounter a small
woodland creature, I will send out some scouts anyway just to be on the safe side. (If they
disappear into the foliage, I will not send out another patrol; I will break out the napalm.)
I will instruct my guards when checking a cell that appears empty to look for the chamber
pot. If the chamber pot is still there, then the prisoner has escaped and they may enter and
search for clues. If the chamber pot is not there, then either the prisoner is perched above
the lintel waiting to strike them with it or else he decided to take it as a souvenir (in which
case he is obviously deeply disturbed and poses no threat). Either way, there's no point in
As an alternative to not having children, I will have lots of children. My sons will be too
busy jockeying for position to ever be a real threat, and the daughters will all sabotage
each other's attempts to win the hero.
If I have children and subsequently grandchildren, I will keep my three-year-old
granddaughter near me at all times. When the hero enters to kill me, I will ask him to first
explain to her why it is necessary to kill her beloved grandpa. When the hero launches into
an explanation of morality way over her head, that will be her cue to pull the lever and
send him into the pit of crocodiles. After all, small children like crocodiles almost as much
as Evil Overlords and it's important to spend quality time with the grandkids.
If one of my daughters actually manages to win the hero and openly defies me, I will
congratulate her on her choice, declare a national holiday to celebrate the wedding, and
proclaim the hero my heir. This will probably be enough to break up the relationship. If
not, at least I am assured that no hero will attack my Legions of Terror when they are
holding a parade in his honor.
I will order my guards to stand in a line when they shoot at the hero so he cannot duck and
have them accidentally shoot each other. Also, I will order some to aim above, below, and
to the sides so he cannot jump out of the way.
My dungeon cell decor will not feature exposed pipes. While they add to the gloomy
atmosphere, they are good conductors of vibrations and a lot of prisoners know Morse
If my surveillance reports any un-manned or seemingly innocent ships found where they
are not supposed to be, they will be immediately vaporized instead of brought in for
I will classify my lieutenants in three categories: untrusted, trusted, and completely trusted.
Promotion to the third category will be awarded posthumously.
Before ridiculing my enemies for wasting time on a device to stop me that couldn't possibly
work, I will first acquire a copy of the schematics and make sure that in fact it couldn't
Ropes supporting various fixtures will not be tied next to open windows or staircases, and
chandeliers will be hung way at the top of the ceiling.
I will provide funding and research to develop tactical and strategic weapons covering a
full range of needs so my choices are not limited to "hand to hand combat with swords"
and "blow up the planet".
I will not set myself up as a god. That perilous position is reserved for my trusted
I will instruct my fashion designer that when it comes to accessorizing, second-chance
body armor goes well with every outfit.
My Legions of Terror will be an equal-opportunity employer. Conversely, when it is
prophesized that no man can defeat me, I will keep in mind the increasing number of
non-traditional gender roles.
I will instruct my Legions of Terror in proper search techniques. In particular, if they are
searching for escapees and someone shouts, "Quick! They went that way!", they must first
ascertain the identity of this helpful informant before dashing off in hot pursuit.
If I know of any heroes in the land, I will not under any circumstance kill their mentors,
teachers, and/or best friends.
If I have the hero and his party trapped, I will not wait until my Superweapon charges to
finish them off if more conventional means are available.
Whenever plans are drawn up that include a time-table, I'll post-date the completion 3
days after it's actually scheduled to occur and not worry too much if they get stolen.
I will exchange the labels on my folder of top-secret plans and my folder of family recipes.
Imagine the hero's surprise when he decodes the stolen plans and finds instructions for
Grandma's Potato Salad.
If I burst into rebel headquarters and find it deserted except for an odd, blinking device, I
will not walk up and investigate; I'll run like hell.
Before being accepted into my Legions of Terror, potential recruits will have to pass
peripheral vision and hearing tests, and be able to recognize the sound of a pebble thrown
to distract them.
I will occasionally vary my daily routine and not live my life in a rut. For example, I will not
always take a swig of wine or ring a giant gong before finishing off my enemy.
If I steal something very important to the hero, I will not put it on public display.
When planning an expedition, I will choose a route for my forces that does not go through
thick, leafy terrain conveniently located near the rebel camp.
I will hire one hopelessly stupid and incompetent lieutenant, but make sure that he is full of
misinformation when I send him to capture the hero.
As an equal-opportunity employer, I will have several hearing-impaired body-guards. That
way if I wish to speak confidentially with someone, I'll just turn my back so the guards
can't read my lips instead of sending all of them out of the room.
If the rebels manage to trick me, I will make a note of what they did so that I do not keep
falling for the same trick over and over again.
If I am recruiting to find someone to run my computer systems, and my choice is between
the brilliant programmer who's head of the world's largest international technology
conglomerate and an obnoxious 15-year-old dork who's trying to impress his dream girl,
I'll take the brat and let the hero get stuck with the genius.
I will plan in advance what to do with each of my enemies if they are captured. That way, I
will never have to order someone to be tied up while I decide his fate.
If I have massive computer systems, I will take at least as many precautions as a small
business and include things such as virus-scans and firewalls.
I will be an equal-opportunity despot and make sure that terror and oppression is
distributed fairly, not just against one particular group that will form the core of a rebellion.
I will not locate a base in a volcano, cave, or any other location where it would be
ridiculously easy to bypass security by rapelling down from above.
I will allow guards to operate under a flexible work schedule. That way if one is feeling
sleepy, he can call for a replacement, punch out, take a nap, and come back refreshed and
alert to finish out his shift.
Although it would provide amusement, I will not confess to the hero's rival that I was the
one who committed the heinous act for which he blames the hero.
If I am dangling over a precipice and the hero reaches his hand down to me, I will not
attempt to pull him down with me. I will allow him to rescue me, thank him properly, then
return to the safety of my fortress and order his execution.
I will have my fortress exorcized regularly. Although ghosts in the dungeon provide an
appropriate atmosphere, they tend to provide valuable information once placated.
I will add indelible dye to the moat. It won't stop anyone from swimming across, but even
dim-witted guards should be able to figure out when someone has entered in this fashion.
If a scientist with a beautiful and unmarried daughter refuses to work for me, I will not hold
her hostage. Instead, I will offer to pay for her future wedding and her children's college
If I have the hero cornered and am about to finish him off and he says "Look out behind
you!!" I will not laugh and say "You don't expect me to fall for that old trick, do you?"
Instead I will take a step to the side and half turn. That way I can still keep my weapon
trained on the hero, I can scan the area behind me, and if anything was heading for me it
will now be heading for him.
I will not outsource core functions.
If I ever build a device to transfer the hero's energy into me, I will make sure it cannot
operate in reverse.
I will decree that all hay be shipped in tightly-packed bales. Any wagonload of loose hay
attempting to pass through a checkpoint will be set on fire.
I will not hold any sort of public celebration within my castle walls. Any event open to
members of the public will be held down the road in the festival pavillion.
Before using any device which transfers energy directly into my body, I will install a surge
I will hire a drama coach. The hero will think it must be a case of mistaken identity when
confronted by my Minnesota accent (if everyone sounds American) or my Cornwall
accent (if everyone sounds British).
If I capture an enemy known for escaping via ingenious and fantastic little gadgets, I will
order a full cavity search and confiscate all personal items before throwing him in my
I will not devise any scheme in which Part A consists of tricking the hero into unwittingly
helping me and Part B consists of laughing at him then leaving him to his own devices.
I will not hold lavish banquets in the middle of a famine. The good PR among the guests
doesn't make up for the bad PR among the masses.
I will funnel some of my ill-gotten gains into urban renewal projects. Although slums add a
quaint and picturesque quality to any city, they too often contain unexpected allies for
I will never tell the hero "Yes I was the one who did it, but you'll never be able to prove it
to that incompetant old fool." Chances are, that incompetant old fool is standing behind the
If my mad scientist/wizard tells me he has almost perfected my Superweapon but it still
needs more testing, I will wait for him to complete the tests. No one ever conquored the
world using a beta version.
I will not appoint a relative to my staff of advisors. Not only is nepotism the cause of most
breakdowns in policy, but it also causes trouble with the EEOC.
If I appoint someone as my consort, I will not subsequently inform her that she is being
replaced by a younger, more attractive woman.
If I am using the hero's girlfriend as a hostage and am holding her at the point of imminent
death when confronting the hero, I will focus on her and not him. He won't try anything
with his true love held hostage. On the other hand, the fact that she has been weak,
slow-witted, naive and generally useless up to this point has no bearing on her actions at
the moment of dramatic climax.
*This Dungeon List is Copyright 1996-1997 by
If you enjoy it, feel free to pass it along or post it anywhere, provided that
(1) it is not altered in any way and (2) this copyright notice is attached.
Thank all who contributed to the creation of this page, both of you....
- Richard the Dungeon Keeper
- Mike Steinfeld (email@example.com) - y'all know me as Aroduc
- Anyone whose name is Bob (Where a lot of these ideas came from... Bob the gimp imp)
- Tramii (firstname.lastname@example.org) - for taking this poor construct and for converting it into HTML
- Fizzban - for hosting this poor construct
- Peter Anspach (email@example.com) - for the marvelous overlord list
and anyone else who used their telepathic abilities to send me ideas...
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